A Faded Rainbow In Every Storm
“Once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you survived it, or how you made it through. You won’t even be certain the storm is over. But one thing is for sure, you won’t be the same person who walked into it.”
~Haruki Murakami
When my brother died I thought I might loose my mind. I thought I might go insane. I didn’t think that I had the capacity for the intensity of this level of grief.....the grief of the loss of my younger brother and only brother.
I feel very alone in the world. I am now an only child and there is no one to share things with that only he would get. He understood me in a way that no other human on this planet ever has. He got my brain. We had the same brain. A very unique brain.... A brain that seems to process the world very differently than any one else I have ever met. Yet somehow our brains recognized each other and just got things that only we could.
I’m still not quite sure how to handle this loss or cope with the feelings that are accompanying it. I want to cling to every comfort and security that I’ve ever known. I want to cling to old relationships and patterns that I’ve outgrown. I want to cling to someone to hold me and tell me it will be ok. I want to cling to my bottle of wine. I want to cling to anything that will stop the pain...... But somehow I’ve found that I have more capacity than I ever dreamed I was capable of. Somehow I’ve found I have the capacity to sit in the ick and shit and messiness...... I’m somehow here and doing it.....Some days not very well and some days I surprise myself. Somedays I’m not even sure I have the energy for this journey of grief. Yet I’m still here and doing it. Somehow I find strength that I didn’t even know I had.
As I’ve driven cross country for the past seven weeks, I’ve seen the number 444 EVERY WHERE! It’s literally surrounding me. Of course when you look up the meaning there are millions of interpretations..... but the very first thing I read said......444 means someone in heaven is trying to send you a message......for today that sentiment is keeping me going. And for today that is enough. For today I feel like the faded rainbow in the picture above. I'm not as bright and shiney as I could be, but I'm still colorful even in my pain. My colors may be muted by my pain..... but they are still present.
If you are on a journey of grief, you are not alone. You are loved and supported in more ways than you know. What is keeping you going today??? What gives you hope in the moments of darkness and keep your muted light glowing?